Calligraphy - Saba
“I'm tryna see it, a life lesson, No more time for mournin' on my schedule”
This week I was disrespected by two different niggas who would never treat the white women, or just the non-Black women, in their life the way they did/do me—and that sucks.
That also isn’t like a guess or an assumption type of thing, It’s factual and I’ve seen it.
I’ve witnessed the disparities in how they both talk about and treat any woman who isn’t Black. The excuses they make for them, the way they beam about their beauty, the things they DON’T ask of them, moving heaven hell and earth to be around them, the way they both crave their desire and approval and it’s just like…..fuck you bro.
What stands out—and honestly hurts—the most is the way they talk to them.
Lovingly.
Gently.
With a smile.
With attention.
With care.
Perhaps it is my fault, right? Isn’t it that one saying that’s like “Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the epitome of insanity?” I could look it up but, I’m not gonna. But anyway, that’s what I’ve done. I’ve shown up for them both in different capacities or situations and expected a different connection every time. But I dunno if that is so bad? I want to give grace or chances because maybe things can be different. Maybe the time in between us not interacting they have reflected, maybe their apologies (if given) are true, maybe they were just having a tough day or a bad moment. But is it me giving grace or me making excuses for them? Have I set such a precedent for certain people where they know I know that life has dealt them such a shitty hand that I’ll understand more bad days than good? Or that they know I can’t fully break ties because it would be an inconvenience in the future?
I’m pretty solid with my boundaries at this point, but I think you can be the top of pops at them but that doesn’t mean they will always be easy to express every time you need to.
When I am closing doors with folks and fully ending their access to me, if the situation calls for it, I will explain my reasoning behind it because that’s what I would like for someone to do for me. Being left in a state of wondering is often so hard to get through and I’d rather folks know why and be able to know what pain they are working thru (if any). BUT in other situations I am also quite fine cutting off people and being like “No—bye” and it’s as though they never existed, but sometimes it’s difficult to choose which one to do.
I did the best I could this time and it hurt a bit, but after apologies and texts with more excuses, I thought about how many white women they have put in this position and I got mad because surely the answer is zero.
All the apologies they have never had to give them because they wouldn’t dare do anything to upset them. How they come to the Black women in their lives for the advice, the money, the consolation, the encouragement, the opportunities and so much more—but have their insolence in their front pocket just ready to pull out, or once they’ve gotten what they sought are ready to toss you to the side until they need you again.
Anyway, I feel better but in summation…sometimes you niggas really do suck.