I Remembered To Believe In Everybody But Myself

Proud Mary/Proud Shelli

This is a late night ramble about how somehow I remembered to believe in everybody but myself when it comes to my work.

Too short to be a post and probably too long for a note.

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Do you remember in Legally Blonde when Elle got into Harvard?

Or in Insecure when Issa finally left We Got Y’all without a solid backup plan?

Or when Troy realized he could love the stage and the court in High School Musical?

What about when Tina risked it all and left Ike with only 36 cents in her pocket in What’s Love Got to Do With It?

At some point in those films or telly shows, that person decided to believe in themselves. Maybe it wasn’t some entirely new concept for them, they may have already had it in them, but it was quiet.

I have been so busy being everyone else’s biggest fan that I kinda forgot to be my own for a while.

I’ll share everyone else’s work but my own.

I’ll answer e-mails from folks looking for help or a connection but never reach out when I need help.

I’ll make a deck for someone else’s idea and delay the one I was making for a pitch of my own.

I forget that I can root for everybody and myself.

It was pounded into me in my formative years that being humble is one of the most important things that a person can be. That if you bragged about yourself, your success, or something great you’d done in any way, the God that gave you the ability to do it would take it away.

I spent so long thinking that couldn’t be true but I had no proof. So I stayed just proud enough, said it all just quiet enough, shared wins just softly enough. Enough to believe in myself but not too much ‘cos I feared that it’d all get taken away.

Then it did.

When my role at a publication ended a few years ago, I felt like that I must have gotten too loud. That what I was taught must have been real because I had gotten really loud, and really proud of myself. Believed that the incredible work and opportunities I was getting I deserved, so why not occasionally be so proud of all my hard work paying off and share?

My IG story was always full of my work and fave excerpts from it, I was on Twitter sharing stories I’d edited and helped get out into the world, when someone complimented my work I was finally able to say thanks without cringing SO hard, and when folks introduced me to someone and dropped a bit of my resume a “Wait, I def did do that” smirk would slightly appear on my face.

Then it all went away. The media landscape started to change, sites started shuttering, the opportunities started to fade, AI decided to takeover, I got sick, and SOMEHOW it was all able to be traced back to me because I had the nerve to be proud of myself.

It sucked.

I felt like I should have taken those stories about the boogeyman that snatches dreams away from girls who dare to share their accomplishments far more seriously.

I think just under a month ago, I reached over 1200 subscribers on this newsletter, gaining about 400 of those after publishing a piece about my mother that resonated with a lot of yall.

Since then, I have been reading and re-reading my posts here recently and feel proud.

Then I got to thinking about my career as a writer. I’ve been published at publications I never dreamed would take me seriously.

I’m outreach director of a critics association (I’ve shared this news ONCE) that I am bringing into the modern moment and taking to the next level.

I have interviewed people who inspired so many, I have been to film festivals I heard about in movies, I get cool things in the mail that little Shelli would quietly scream about in her bedroom. I have colleagues who turned into long-distance friends that inspire AND support me—and that’s all something to be proud of.

I think that’s cool.

I think my writing is fun, witty, knowledgable, inviting, curious and that it reaches people and makes them feel seen, or makes them laugh, or makes them want to escape into some film or moment the same way I did and leave the rest of the world behind…and I’m really proud of that too.

Maybe I’ve reached a point in the whole up & down of the right now where I’m at a high. Maybe it’ll be gone by morning. but right now it’s the part of the movie where the character is up.

Elle was fueled by pure rage to believe in herself (wait… am I on glue or did we not get into the same law school, Warner?), Issa understood that failing was actually okay because it meant she was trying (look at us on top of our shit!), Troy needed someone new to tell him what he just couldn’t see in himself (you’re a cool guy, Troy — but not for the reasons your friends think), and Tina just needed fucking time (Now, it took me a long time to get Ike out of my system. And now that I've done that, I'm ready. I'm ready and I know what I want.)

I’ve been going through quite a lot recently, lots of changes and the reflection can be heavy but, I’m really proud of myself for just trying to keep on keeping on.

When any of my work pops into your inbox, it’s the equivalent of me screaming “Look at me!” and that’s terrifying for a girl who was basically taught to do the opposite. But here you are, reading this ramble, and here I am still writing it.

No one is telling me to keep my excitement down. No one is following their “congratulations” with a reminder that others are working hard to get a similar feeling. No one telling me to be humble when they really want to tell me to stay small. No big bad thing has kicked down my door and snatched everything away from me for feeling even a bit proud of myself and saying it.

I do not at all know how to end this but I know how to hit publish so that’s just what I’ll do <3