Bonita Is The Girl's Girl You Think You Are
+TikTok has auctions, Orphan Black is a treat & we were all too young to be watching "Secretary"
Apparently, you absolutely can spoil a centuries-old story! Did you also know how hard it is to spell ‘odyssey’ right on the first try? Even spell check gets confused. I’ve been getting Y2K and early aughts fever because Jake Antonoff and Lena Dunham keep coming up in the news, Love After Lockup has produced A STAR, and APPARENTLY NONE OF US WERE BEING SUPERVISED BECAUSE WHY DOES EVERY FILM DYKE I KNOW LOVE THE MOVIE SECRETARY! Oh, and I tried on some Meta glasses like two weeks ago at a pop-up and got conflicted..more on that never tho.
The Weekly Bits is long on purpose (might get clipped in your inbox, so open in a browser) and there are lots in ‘em! So read it while you’re re-watching Survival of the Thickest, eating expensive Swedish candy, or in between a too-hot-and-heavy makeout session!
There WILL be typos (not a threat, just a fact)
Do you watch Love After Lockup? Well, I LOVE BONITA! I have seen like a few episodes this season, but I remember her from last year! She is a girls girl through and THROUGH! She got caught up in a love triangle she didn’t ask to be in but never ONCE blamed the other girl. EVER. EVER. Never called her a name, never talked bad about her, and doesn’t do her bad on social media. I think they might even legit be friends now. Plus Bonita gave us “HONK HONK BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP, IS YOU COOL?” and for that I will forever be grateful.
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1Ted Lasso is back! I wanted to file this under the “On A Scale of One to Gay” section of the newsletter but like…just because it’s about a girls soccer team doesn’t mean it’s FOR SURE GOING TO BE SOME DYKIN’ AND CARRYING ON! Right?…Right?!…Right?….I’ll never give any of y’all the opportunity to say I put queer folks in a box! (but also…get in the box)
Hey… I’m no like, life saver (unless you count that one time I literally saved a boy’s life when I was little), but like, I don’t like the way 911 dispatchers talk to people. I don’t watch a lot of true crime, but when I encounter it in whatever way, I hear 911 dispatchers being so fucking RUDE. Like it’s not giving neutral, it’s not giving comfort, it’s giving annoyed and like, sorry babes but I’m not calling Uber Support about my delivery, I AM SCARED AND PROBABLY TRAUMATIZED SO SORRY IF I CAN’T CONTROL MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
Big pivot—babes idc about the Antonoff/Qualley separation moment mostly cos I’m unsure of what exactly the drama is HOWEVER as someone who, in the mid aughts was invested in the romantic relations of various celebrity hipsters… their breakup makes me want to read Lena’s book.
Also…hard copies are better than paperbacks—ALWAYS.
HEY, ALL OF YOU SHUT UP RIGHT NOW. Jane Schoenbrun guest directed a live read of the 2002 film NONE OF US SHOULD HAVE BEEN WATCHING, Secretary. A cult, weird girl classic that is SEARED into my brain and was def one of my fav films for far too long.
It started my Maggie G obsession, although I’m sorry y’all Sherry Baby will always be my number one, and I’m glad I’m not alone.
WHO STARRED IN THE LIVE READING? SURE, I’LL FUCKING TELL YOU. Hannah Einbinder and Gillian Anderson from Schoenbrun’s latest film, Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma (more on that later). Just…watch this scene from the reading. NSFW and like NSFWFH, and like just NSFW(herever)G(enerally)B(ecause)S(panking)N(oises)
Babes…dare I say it’s even better than the movie?
P.S. I tried to embed/link the IG post and my Substack glitched like crazy…too hot I guess.
Newness x Thots
As someone who is too scared to become an actual stoner, I live vicariously through them in films. I can quote Pineapple Express (sorry), dig Cheech and Chong, Smiley Face with Anna Faris is a classic, and now…The Wrong Girls. Alia Shawkat and Kristen Stewart play two stoner slackers who get involved in some wild shit by mistake, and end up on an adventure throughout L.A.
I wanna see it; it looks funny, and I won’t be high when I watch (mainly ‘cos I’m still job searching and need to make sure I pass a test), but I WILL eat a whole pizza or tray of nachos in munchies solidarity. And, I’m sorry, but this movie still does not sell me on living in L.A. It looks terrible, I don’t want to need a car to go everywhere, I never understand the weather (WHY ARE Y’ALL WEARING SWEATERS IN SUMMER), and the lesbians look infuriating. Sorry. But like….not really. Oakland seems cool tho!
Hunnybabysweeties…I have been waiting for Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma to come out for like 2 years. Jane Schoenbrun (I Saw the TV Glow) is trying to turn movie theaters into gay dark spaces where you cry, laugh, or get turned on and like—THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.
Hannah Einbinder (HACKS) and Gillian Anderson (Sex Education if you’re under 27, The X-Files if you’re at least 35) are both in it, and I WILL NOT DESCRIBE THIS FILM SO JUST WATCH THE TRAILER AND SCREAM. I wish that they had hired me to do marketing for this film because I def would have suggested a buyout of a camp for a weekend of adult-only activities that are mostly legal but with a big scoop of TOO HOT FOR FYP.
What Eye Watched
Hey, ORPHAN BLACK IS INCREDIBLE!!! I needed something new to watch that I could binge and OHHHHH CANNNNAADDDDAAAA!! So far, here is where I stand with the clones, ranked from “I understand she’s NUTS but she HAZ HER REASONS” to “WRAP IT UP”. I am only on season 2, so NO SPOILERS! Netflix told me I have until the end of the month to finish it tho so I shall report back shortly
Helena
Alison
Sarah
Rachel
Cosima
So, I had planned to see Supergirl, but they literally canceled the showing as I got to the theatre because of low ticket sales, so I ended up seeing The Odyssey instead. It was great, AND Elliot Page is in it WHICH I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BUT DID NOT.
I never had to read the poem in school. I started high school at the start of Y2K, and maybe 2all the grown-ups were too consumed with all the electricity shutting off at midnight to make us read it, but NEVERTHELESS it just meant that decades later I’d be sitting in a theater on the edge of my $ 20-something-dollar seat!
I'm starting to think Mr Nolan wants to traumatize actors, BUT ALSO IT’S WORKING, AND THEY KEEP SIGNING UP SOOOOOO!
It’s a movie where a little boy is basically sitting on the porch waiting for his dad to come home. Tom Holland plays Telemachus, and he did fine, but dare I say that Robert “Spider monkey” Pattinson dideth his thingeth.
Now let's get into how John Leguizamo has been an actor from timmmmeeee, everyone always talks about him in Romeo and Juliet, and like, fine. But you need to watch his STAND-UP. It's more of a play than a stand-up routine, it was literally directed by Spike Lee. I remember watching it years ago and being blown away at his ability to weave stand-up and storytelling and how he uses his body to tell stories. Also, watch The Pest, which was my number one blockbuster rental for like six months.
Babes—DID YOU SEE THIS?!
We should talk about how my new TikTok addiction is live auctions, where girlies with great makeup and sweatpants yell “GO” at the screen while they talk about the market price of Rhode lipsticks and, like…EYE LOVE IT.
My FYP is mostly made up of those ladies making glitter cups, puppets, people opening that fizzy jewelry, and the cast of Gypsy Sisters fighting each other (both in clips from the show and in like, real time).
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So when THIS started appearing, I was obsessed. Idek why really, like, I don’t buy anything, and I don’t like the majority of the stuff they are selling, but it’s FASCINATING.
Letterboxd Besties is a site where you put in your handle, they steal your information, and tell you who on Letterboxd has the EXACT SAME TOP FOUR AS YOU. As of this posting…I DON’T HAVE A LETTERBOXD BESTIE! But if you think you’re like, my Letterboxd associate, let me know.
Hey, do you watch Little Singles? Cool, so do I. JJ is too grown to be there (she is over the bullshit), Ferg is too nice, Steph has got to find some self-respect, Sammy is a POS, and Krista is annoying and I’m mad ‘cos I was rooting for her.
Also, Drake probably watches it too.
On A Scale of One To Gay….
One of you (EYE DONUT CARE WHO) go and tell Rose Dommu this is the greatest fucking Letterboxd review I have ever read.
The Odyssey isn't gay unless Matt Damon's arms make your like, fanny flutter. I don’t recall sitting in that theater at any point and going “this is gay”. I could be wrong (I’m not), and I’m seeing it several times again to make sure/eat food in the dark in uncomfortable seating, but I’m pretty sure I’m right about this.
I love the show Mrs Fletcher, but you can’t watch it anywhere online because they yanked it off streaming. The only place I can find it is here, and I’m getting way more afraid of hackers these days, so PLZ HELP ME! I have resorted to listening to the audiobook, but as much as I love Bertha Russell…it’s not the same.
Jennifer's Body is coming back which….sure. Why not?
Cinehunni Selects
This week’s theme: I Had A Very Intense Shark Phase For A While But I Still Can’t Swim
47 Meters Down: Uncaged, Thrash, Finding Nemo
I Write, You Read
Where was the last quote from? The Good Place!
Remember, every week I’ll drop a pop culture quote that has stuck with me and if you correctly guess where this is from AND share this to your IG/Threads (@ me!) you’ll be 1 of 3 people who get a present from The Cinehunni Dispatch!
A surprise DVD, a postcard, a film-inspired crafting moment, and a special note from me + more will be inside.
This week’s quote:
Oi, you! Bitch-nurse. You just keep me on the threshold of pain. I want some more painkillers! Look. I have two tiny little paraplegics or something in this cup. Over an hour ago! And don't look at me like I'm mad, I know you've got Valium out there!
See you later hunni!,
<3 Shelli
I am 100% sure that 50% of this season will involve leseabeans being leseabeans but with accents.
Yes. This was a real thing kids.