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I think everything going back to childhood is so wild and so true.
The way this newsletter works is that as I move through my life and week, I come here and invite you into what life at that time was for me. I do that by telling you about it through the lens of a piece of pop culture I love. Sharing myself and my love of film and television in the hopes that you can connect with me through it.
Perhaps it’s a bit much right? But writing through connection is the only way I know how to write and do it well. Pop Culture just so happens to be my favorite connecter. It was my first friend, my first therapist, and my first form of self-care, so talking about my human experience through it is one of my favorite things to do.
I was in therapy this week and we talked about feelings and my writing. I bought up my episode of
pod where I talked about crying and how I was always sent away to feel things that my parents were inconvenienced by. How the word “sensitive” was used negatively and nothing more. To them it was like, “She is a child for goodness sake, what could she possibly have going on that was so bad?”Because of their responses, I paid attention to my feelings and their reactions to them more than I should have. Especially when I was feeling sad, mad, hurt, and other “negative” feelings. I’d remember that expressing myself in front of them would likely result in them being upset, and so I’d send myself away before they came out. I learned this week in that same therapy session, that children of addicts pay close attention to the patterns of their parents responses to their emotions.
This blend of parents, childhood, and emotions had me thinking about the movie Inside Out. Released in 2015, it’s the 15th feature-length film from Pixar. Riley is 11, and living her best life. She’s got a ton of feelings inside her and when her parents tell her they are moving from Minnesota to Cali for her father’s new job, we get to meet a few of them.
Her world gets shifted and uprooted and she is not fucking with it, but all the feelings just won’t come out. Joy (Amy Poehler) is usually in charge, but when Sadness (Phyllis Smith) comes out during the move, chaos ensues. The two have a tussle and knock out the core memories that Joy usually uses to sorta jumpstart Riley’s happiness when she’s down. This fucks with everything, including a breakdown of the personality "islands” that make Riley who she is. Anger, Disgust, and Fear end up taking control, while Joy and Sadness realize they have to work together to get Riley's emotional balance back in check.
I am no Disney adult, my connection to most things Disney are wrapped up in nostalgia—but this one got me. I saw it randomly at the now defunct 400 Theatres in Rogers Park. I got Chipotle after but what I really remember from this movie, is that it is one of the few films that have ever made me cry. I was seeing what it was like to be Baby Shelli on screen. What it was like to feel as a kid, not share what was going on, and to have these emotional battles going on inside.
The soundtrack brings tears to my eyes still. It was wild to see and to this day, blows my mind when I watch it.
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