I'd Rule Westeros With A Rose Gold Fist and Zero Blondes
Riding Auntie Rhaenys dragon for "House of The Dragon" Season 2
I have—so many fucking thoughts on the first season of this prequel series to Game of Thrones, which, even through the buckets of trauma I faithfully watched all 8 seasons. Thoughts on House of The Dragon that are outside the standard shit folks are talking about…like being upset about IMAGINARY CHARACTERS IN A TELEVISION SHOW ABOUT FUCKING DRAGONS being Black.
But I mostly care about the friendship between the two leads Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen (Emma D’Arcy) and Alicent Hightower (Olivia Cooke). I fucking LOVE writing about friendship, inside and outside the context of Pop Culture, but it’s often a lot more interesting to discuss it when it comes up on screen.
Season 2 of House of the Dragon premieres this Sunday and yes, I reactivated my HBO HBOMax SJPHBO Max subscription just to watch and of course, rewatch the first season. Their friendship is fucking over, O-V-A-H, OVER!
Like, it has to be. I’m not down to spoil it in its entirety for you because it’s only been 1 season and I know what it’s like to not get into a show until at least 3 seasons are out…HOWEVER. I will give you the gist of their friendship because that is why we are here:
Rhaenyra is the daughter of The King and his ONLY child. Alicent is the daughter of The Hand of The King, which is basically like, the person who gives him all the advice on what to do as he reigns—he’s like Reddit, The Chani App, and WebMD all in one but like…immoral.
They grew up together and are besties, they are barely teenagers when Rhaenyra’s mom dies during childbirth.
Rhaenyra is sure she’s going to be heir to the throne because her brother died in childbirth with her mom, she’s still the only heir, everyone thinks her uncle is not the right choice, and HER DAD FUCKING TOLD HER SHE WOULD BE. LIKE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
Alicent’s fucking dad was like “Hey, you need to seduce The King he’s sad so perfect timing” and she’s like “That’s high-key weird because I’m like, 8, and you know that and it’s even weirder that you’re still choosing to do this to me, but fine I guess?”
She is “successful” and ends up MARRYING The King—also known as her best fucking friend’s dad.
Alicent gets pregnant swiftly and has a boy so everyone is like “Fuck Rhaenyra there is a boy now so fucking partyyyy!”
Alicent is like, “I mean, I get it but my daddy told me that my son/kids are all heirs to the throne, and like…you’re not. Sorry ‘bout it.”
They stop kicking it because ALICENT MARRIED AND FUCKED RHAE’S DADDY AND STOLE HER RIGHTFUL PLACE IN LINE TO THE FUCKING THRONE.
At some point we time jump to years later and Alicent is so unhappy and making it everybody’s fault. She is also STILL trying to say Rhae (we’re besties on a nickname basis) AND now her kids aren’t the rightful heirs (okay maybe her kids aren’t fully but still she should MIND HER FUCKING BUSINESS.) Rhae is basically like “Bitch you’re still so outta pocket and you need to watch how you talk to me and mine.” Alicent is honestly jealous that Rhae gets to live her life as she wants, at least that’s how it looks from the outside, but both women are stuck in the worst situations and are moving through it in the ways they can.
Apparently, friendship rifts are a tale as old as time. There are so many moments where I was watching and it felt like they were truly on the way to mending their friendship. They were each other confidants and advisors—they were genuinely like sisters. But just like everything that goes wrong, A BUNCHA WHITE DUDEBROS came and fucked everything up.
I really enjoy watching Emma and Olivia on their press runs for the season, they gave us the viral Sbagliato moment last year, but it’s more than their ability to create a huge TikTok sound. They seem to truly enjoy each other as co-workers and friends, and that shows up in the series in the moments where their characters remember how they once were.
We have to put their IRL sweet vibes aside when watching though. I am FOREVER on Team Rhaenyra and this season she is very much screaming I AM TAKING MY SHIT BACK, and I am right there beside her. Not on a dragon though, I’m more of a support from the comfort of my own castle kinda girl but, YAY TEAM!
Anyway, let’s get into my trailer breakdown of Season 2. I’ll specifically be focusing on characters using my rating of “Highly Fucketh With”, “Slightly Fucketh With”, or “Fucketh Thou Completly” — LET’S GO!!!
Also, open this up in your browser because it’s gonna get cut off in e-mail since I HAZ SEW MUCH TEW SAY!
Princess Rhaenys Targaryen: Highly Fucketh With
She was robbed!!! The ‘Queen who Never Was’ deserves the world. She lost like all her fucking kids, her husband is on his last leg, her fucking brother-in-law TRIED IT (and was swiftly beheaded and cut in half), and mama deserves a break. Also, I screamed when she burst through the floor with her dragon and am so upset that she went the Michelle Obama route but here’s hoping she burns everyone who gets in her way this season.
Aegon Targaryen: Fucketh Thou Completly
This little baby man bitch is such a waste! I cannot stand him. I was fine when he was just drinking away his royal woes but like now he thinks he’s truly the king just ‘cos some people clapped for him. SIT DOWN YOU PUPPET!!
Prince Daemon Targaryen: Slightly Fucketh With
I mean…I don’t know y’all. He’s weird and has a chip on his shoulder and is here to very much play the game of thrones. He’s always fly and always ready to like, fight/murder so there is that. Also, can we please let this man stop playing A Prince who wants more then they are ever going to get? Actually don’t I love it—PIGEON HOLE HIM.
Ser Criston Cole: Fucketh Thou Completly
GET OVVVVEERRR YOUURRRSEEEELLLFFFF! She literally could never marry you and fucked you like—a few times. He is the meaning of bitter ex! Like, you stuck around just to skulk and sulk around for years FOR WHAT?! You thought being mean to the Princess kids and being nice to Alicent and her weird blonde babies was gonna make her like, fawn over you? GO GET A NEW JOB!
Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen: Highly Fucketh With
My queen, my princess, TRUE RULER OF WESTEROS. Nothing to say but she has been through it. I’m really sorry she lost her bestie, had to marry her cousin, and then her uncle, and then got the crown snatched from her by a little bitch baby man and his puppeteer mom and grandpa….BUT SHE SHALL PREVAIL!
Alicent Hightower: Fucketh Thou Completly
Fuck Alicent. This is so hard to say because I love the actress Olivia Cooke (BATES MOTEL ANYONE?!) but I must separate. I don’t know man, she too was dealt a kinda icky hand and she’s so mad that she has kinda been acting like she is the only one who was. Mama this is Westeros…literally every woman is going through it. I don’t trust her and I have zero faith in her. Sorry.
Aemond Targaryen: Slightly Fucketh With
This cranky little one-eyed bitch. I don’t know if there are therapists in King’s Landing but my goodness does he need to see one. But also….lol help I love him. He is just like Daemon and just thinks he can rule better than his brother ever would, but knows that getting that chance is out of the cards. Fuck him for stealing his cousin’s dragon after their mom died though…that was crazy. ALSO, this actor (Ewan Mitchell) is great at playing creeps—remember him in Saltburn?
I really like the show so far, they’ve strayed away from the gratuitous sexual violence of GoT, and are just showing, well, gratuitous violence. And as weird as it sounds—I’m on board with that version.
There is a lot of stuff I’d change, like maybe choosing a different way other than showing really rough, rough childbirth scenes to show how bad women have it in this world, and also maybe not killing off like, half of the niggas on the show in the first season, but George RR Martin isn’t going to listen to me.
Now let me be so that I may enjoy my season of nepotism and misogyny (and likely misogynoir) in peace.
Season 2 premieres this Sunday on MAX! Watch the trailer below!
Also lol while I was writing this it got renewed for Season 3!! YAY TO MORE MAYHEM!
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well ok i will watch!